It took a long time of struggling with the push and pull dynamics of the relationship to finally ask myself:
- How had I allowed myself to be bullied for so long?
- When had I given up so much power over myself?
- And how could I release this hold on me?
Being caught in this vortex was not serving my purpose.
The need for change was imminent.
Or was it?
It seemed futile to look for balance in a relationship, such as this, when the common ground felt as stable as quicksand. I needed to step onto the sidelines of the blame game and determine what my role was in all of it. Along with my new found conviction to make a change, I set off armed with fresh eyes, an open heart and a clean slate to begin anew.
Determined, I moved forward, seemingly unaware of the subtlety of the seduction, the light and easy suggestions, the whispered ideas luring me to come out and play. The gentle urgings, the innocent voice, the promise of “it will only take a moment; you’ll be back on point right away.”
The mastermind I was dealing with worked easily and effortlessly to derail my intentions.
The initial moment was drawn out with the cajoling of, “Just one more minute, what’s one more minute?…You can make up the time later.”
Those are not the demands of a bully, they are simple requests or so I led myself to believe. Once the realization came I was furious. It wasn’t just a moment, it wasn’t just another minute, I had been duped yet again by the exponential growth of a single moment into the whole loss of a day.
I berated myself, I belittled myself, I was angry at myself for being led. Angry at the apparent ease I had succumbed to distraction.
Where were my fresh eyes, my open heart?
I looked at my clean slate with disdain, now smudgy with taunts of distracted success by procrastination. Chaos ensued.
Chaos had become a common ingredient in my life and it reigned in my world more times than not. In turn I welcomed chaos as I began to notice and accept that I thrived within its outer appearance of frantic disorder.
That feeling of being more grounded as I stood amid the eye of the storm, more productive, more decisive, more clear and more successful to get my tasks done. I began to relish in my many accomplishments handled and realized that I create chaos for my greater good. Then it hit me.
If chaos was a direct descendant of procrastination how could I love one and not the other?
I had found my piece in this dysfunctional relationship and now I could make my peace.
Procrastination had firmly established a place in my life, and for years I had rejected its value. I had adopted the attitude that we could not work together, either I was on top or on the bottom, no balance.
I was attempting to keep track of wins and losses and each time I checked the scoreboard I was always behind. My feeling like a victim in the relationship only served to feed procrastination’s power over me. The imminent change I needed to make was not one of overpowering my opponent, rather to embrace the challenges procrastination presented me.
I wanted procrastination to do the work to change.
I wanted procrastination to leave me alone so I could relinquish the guilt I felt when I listened to the whispers.
I wanted procrastination to respect my productivity rather than seducing me away from it.
I wanted peace! And procrastination was not giving it to me.
Making peace with something is akin to forgiveness. The process is to accept what is in its natural state, not being in agreement, condoning it or in opposition to it, but to find neutral ground from which to move forward from.
Procrastination had been doing its job, and doing it well without fail. It always led me to chaos which I admittedly embraced yet I continued to resist the journey with procrastination to get there.
The relationship looks and feels different now that I have accepted procrastination for what it is.
In my opinion, it is a momentary meandering off the path, or coloring outside of the lines as a means to an end. I have chosen to view procrastination as a gift to myself and gently allow myself to wander for moments at its request.
I have given myself permission to get to the end result without fear of veering off my predetermined path and know that procrastination allows me a bit more time for mulling or creating before the destination is reached. At times getting there may be chaotic and other times not, that works for me too.
Procrastination and I are cultivating that comfortable relationship known best by old friends rather than adversaries, most of the time.
How do you face procrastination?
This is my favorite way of approaching things that have the putting it off vibe…
Captivating quote Mr. Shaw.
My youngest daughter recently shared with me her love of this quote, and I wholeheartedly agree with the message.
As I’ve been focusing on creating my/our life here in Australia I’ve shifted my attention to other forms of media to build my community. Such as Facebook and YouTube; and freshly added is Pinterest .
Admittedly as much as I value my personal strength in all ways, my dang gremlins when it comes to writing stuff down are very robust & convincing. So thanks for indulging me as I again “Start where I am”.
I have grown with the number of people who have “Liked” my Facebook Business Page and today I feel an overwhelming urge to Share about Me. And not in the blurby, marketing kind of way in order for those who have been attracted to what I’ve been posting to get to know me.
So here goes…
If a picture says a Thousand words, I’d be curious as to what words you would use to describe me at a glance from the picture above.
- I am Loud Music and I am Silence and every rhythm and beat in between.
- I am as much Type A as I am Atypical.
- My Physical workout style is: Feel the Pain & Push my limit; my Bodywork teaching style is restorative.
- I can exude the Rock Star Vibe as well as being the Zen Vibeage.
- I can and will eat that plate of French Fries with as much enthusiasm as I do juicing beetroot, spinach and carrots.
- I do not buy Fat Free anything unless by accident and I only use butter.
- I am sarcastic; I am diplomatic.
- At times outspoken, but always truthful.
- I know what it feels like to Love.
- I know what it feels like to Grieve.
- I will stand up for what I believe in; I will stand behind those I believe in.
- I am as simple as I am complicated.
- I am Fire; I am Water.
- I am Yin and I am Yang.
With Gratitude I can say with conviction I am…ME!
Enjoy your day 😉
Where is your vibeage right now?
You know the Rock Star feeling, when everything you’ve got going on is going on! You are hitting every note and are working through everything with relative ease! Daily you take to the stage of your life and no matter what comes your way…bam… you have it handled. No question, No hesitation, you have the “I Got This” attitude.
Have you ever felt like the Roadie? When everything you are doing feels like heavy lifting, tripping over the cords, constantly stepping on the sticky patches of spilled coke? When you face the day with the attitude of, “Geez I hope ________ doesn’t happen”, or I forgot to (fill in the blank) and you are always in catch up or clean up mode. Not an awesome place to be.
Someone responded to my Rock Star question with, “I don’t even feel like I’m on the tour”…so now what?”
My response to the query above was “What would it feel like to coast?” Think intermission – a time out, a pee break, a chance to get a drink, buy a t-shirt or whatever. Consider this as an opportunity to take a pause.
When you are in a funk what can you do?
1. Acknowledge- Be gentle with yourself knowing this is temporary.
2. Mental Sorting – Take the opportunity to see what is coming up for you. What is occupying your mind that has you confounded. Grab a journal and write.
3. Decide not to decide – There are things that will have to be handled and do so; if there are auxiliary things that you could delay making decisions on do so until you are back in the zone.
4. Keep connected – Enlist the help of your support network, talk it out with your go to person(s) and share the load. Your circle of support would not want you to carry that heavy load alone. Reach out.
5. Keep moving – February is a month whereas we are still in winter, the sun is graduating towards spring, and the weather can’t seem to decide what to do. Go for a refreshing walk, grab your Ipod, your friend, or pet and get some fresh air.
6. Breathe & Belly Laugh – I realize you are breathing but stale, stagnant air can accumulate and hangs out in our lungs as it can in our homes. Pop in your favorite comedy movie and watch and laugh, find a friend to have fun with and laugh! Find a Laughter Yoga class and even if you don’t feel like giggling the benefits of this type of yoga is amazing.
Not feeling solid or balanced can be reflected in the body as in the mind. Make a list of 5 things that help you feel more centered, perhaps one or more are listed above. If not seek to discover what those things are in you, for when a funk happens you have your own personal toolkit to get through to the other side, refreshed and ready for your close up!
This morning the family cat, named Cookie, discovered where we had relocated our beta fish, not a good way to start the day. My eldest really wants a dog, (I do not therefore we are not getting one), settled on Saturday with the idea of keeping the fish. Sure, I bet the cat will spend less time on top of the piano now.
So as I transferred the fish to a fresh small glass container, she carefully added the colored stones, shells and a sizeable faux diamond. Down to the computer she went and printed off a sea background and named the fish “Bubbles”. Despite the beta diet of a small pinch of flakes every couple days she found the move must have gotten his appetite going so even without the cat she may feed him to death instead.
Everyone was moving slower than normal this morning, and with heavy feet my eldest was off to her room to get dressed for the day. Shrieks, screams and a waterfall of tears followed moments after she left the kitchen as the cat had managed to dump the fish out of its new home and onto her bed.
I ran to the room to find her freaking out and the fish laying on the bed. She began to holler how she hated the cat and how we should get rid of the cat for killing the fish. Off to the kitchen to get another container with water so I could scoop the fish up and see if it was still alive. Sure enough it was. But my daughter wanted the cat to HANG!
Fish happy to be back in water, she continued the scene as I began to strip the bed and clean up the mess.
“I Hate Cookie!, Don’t you Hate Cookie for killing the fish?”
“Well the fish isn’t dead its just fine, it is certainly shocked, but its alive and well in the bowl.”
“I Hate the Cat, I never want to see the cat again!”
I shared with her that, “No I didn’t hate the cat, (not its biggest fan at the present moment), but I did hate that the cat created this mess.” She stopped for a moment. And before she could continue on her rage and keep her focus on the fact that the cat had murdered the fish, despite the obvious evidence to the contrary I repeated what I said.
This isn’t a Looney Tunes cartoon episode where the cat is the villain and actively is conniving ways to capture a bird, or in this case a fish. Yes I’m not at all impressed that the cat didn’t just go into the bedroom and sleep the day away as she normally does. I’m not at all pleased that I have to strip the bed, get a fan, mop up the mattress, I’ve got lunches half made, kids need to brush teeth and put socks on, bags need checking and double checking yada yada…you see where this is going. But amid the chaos I still didn’t hate the cat.
Hmmm…There is a fundamental difference being hating someone/something versus hating what that someone/something has done. The grace is being to see that grey area or fine line in order to divide the emotion.
In that moment I saw the grey, and that line helped to split the overriding emotions around the situation and that of my daughters’.
Its easy to get caught up in the moment and emotion. How many times have you been able to look back at a time, moment or person/place/situation and see the grey well after the fact. The grey is always there but it just takes us to be present and look for it so we can move through with grace.
Phew! Good Recover and an even better Present!